Ah, the spotlight of any critics career. When they get to shed that awful cloak of the reviewer and don the hat of the salesman. Sure, Transformers 2 had us all creating Christmas wish-lists until its obnoxious, overlong plot woke us up and made us realize we don't want to see another Autobot, especially in the hand's of my child. But then G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra stepped in and made pitchmen/mass consumers of us all once more.
The story places us in the near distant future where nanotechnology has taken great steps forward in medicine only to march backwards as a series of warheads. The creators of said warheads, MARS Industries, want to secretly steal back the device to wrought destruction and take over the world. In their way, a group of covert-ops known as G.I. Joe. With a secret base the size of Manhattan, this band of eight super-soldiers and four thousand underlings, are this world's only hope. But nobody knows who they are so whenever they try to save the day, police show up to arrest them. What follows is a series of explosions, lasers, and sword fights, all the while mentioning everyone's name so you know just what toys to buy. It all concludes with a ridiculous underwater fight that throws everything you know about physics out the window. I had no idea water was as dense as air and that ice doesn't float. Really. This happens. And did you say you loved flashbacks? Then are you in for a treat! This movies doesn't let you go five minutes without rewinding to something that gives you real insight on what and why is really going on. It's just a shame you won't care.
All the actors ham it up and get ready for G.I. Joe 2: The Rise of Hasbro, including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who is wonderful in (500) Days of Summer and more comical than devastating as the would be Cobra Commander. But everything aside, you don't need a review to tell you if it's good or bad. It won't make you think, feel, or cheer. It's candy. And too much candy makes you sick. And when Christmas comes, and a four-foot long, plastic aircraft carrier goes on sale for $250.00, that is when you'll swear vengeance on the people who brought you G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
