Ah, the spotlight of any critics career. When they get to shed that awful cloak of the reviewer and don the hat of the salesman. Sure, Transformers 2 had us all creating Christmas wish-lists until its obnoxious, overlong plot woke us up and made us realize we don't want to see another Autobot, especially in the hand's of my child. But then G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra stepped in and made pitchmen/mass consumers of us all once more.
The story places us in the near distant future where nanotechnology has taken great steps forward in medicine only to march backwards as a series of warheads. The creators of said warheads, MARS Industries, want to secretly steal back the device to wrought destruction and take over the world. In their way, a group of covert-ops known as G.I. Joe. With a secret base the size of Manhattan, this band of eight super-soldiers and four thousand underlings, are this world's only hope. But nobody knows who they are so whenever they try to save the day, police show up to arrest them. What follows is a series of explosions, lasers, and sword fights, all the while mentioning everyone's name so you know just what toys to buy. It all concludes with a ridiculous underwater fight that throws everything you know about physics out the window. I had no idea water was as dense as air and that ice doesn't float. Really. This happens. And did you say you loved flashbacks? Then are you in for a treat! This movies doesn't let you go five minutes without rewinding to something that gives you real insight on what and why is really going on. It's just a shame you won't care.
All the actors ham it up and get ready for G.I. Joe 2: The Rise of Hasbro, including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who is wonderful in (500) Days of Summer and more comical than devastating as the would be Cobra Commander. But everything aside, you don't need a review to tell you if it's good or bad. It won't make you think, feel, or cheer. It's candy. And too much candy makes you sick. And when Christmas comes, and a four-foot long, plastic aircraft carrier goes on sale for $250.00, that is when you'll swear vengeance on the people who brought you G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

Public Enemies

So this was pre-spoiled for me because a) I had seen the original and b) who is really surprised that the gangsters end up dead at the end. If a spoiler there were it would be from High Fidelity when he talks about how Dillinger's girlfriend set him up behind a movie theater. But in a twist, in this film he is not shot behind the theater but down the street and it's not really his girlfriend, just a friend of his who has been set up. With something like this I'm curious as to how true the story is and where are the liberties taken.
The film is based on the book of same name by Bryan Burrough. As anyone can guess it follows Dillingers last years and as things start to wind down in his life of crime and allies turn to foes. Seeking out public enemy number one is Melvin Purvis, phoning it in is Christian Bale. The character is pretty flat and you get no glimpse into what makes this man the relentless blood hound he is. Especially since at the end it says he kills himself the following year. Why? Was he depressed. No clues nothing. And Depp as Dillinger is alright. Marion Cotillard is the only one in the picture I think truly acting. But none of this matters and it's not what I wanted to talk about.
So Mann shot this in High Def and I could tell from the trailer that it sometimes hinders the experience. Most of it looks very impressive but then it will cut to an obviously inexpensive camera and look like something shot with a camera anyone can get at Walmart. And then I started thinking about it. Mann is well known to use tactics to make things more believable. In Heat especially he worked with military specialists to get the gun fights as real as he could. And it looks like he's using the same tactics here. Tommy guns in this movie constantly need mending, and often jam. The sounds that protrude are loud and noisy and authentic. I believe Mann has tried to make a film feel as though this were happening today. I don't mean with cell phones but if today were someday in 1933 and you could see in on this life, then that is exactly what you would be seeing. Now for the other side of this double edged sword. It doesn't feel like a film anymore. The experience of going to see a movie and walking out not knowing if it was a movie is a new feel for me. It's not good or bad, it's just different. And that's where I stand.

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland spoilers

from CC2K

Tim Burton doesn’t exactly have the best track record with remakes. Planet of the Apes anyone? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? So it was with slight apprehension that I approached the script to his next project, Alice in Wonderland, which comes out next March. Written by Linda Woolverton, who also co-wrote The Lion King, and had a part in Beauty and the Beast, Mulan, and the Teen Wolf cartoon, the script isn’t exactly an adaptation of the original story by Lewis Carroll, as it is an extension of it. Alice went to Wonderland as a child, and she’s now almost grown. She’s 17, and she’s back for more, but doesn’t remember her times there earlier. She’s about to be engaged, maybe. A rich suitor wants to marry her, and the opening scenes of the movie are of her engagement party. But she, of course, gets distracted by a white rabbit.

The White Rabbit (who will be played by Michael Sheen), goes after Alice (played by In Treatment’s Mia Wasikowska) because of an omen that she is the one to slay the Jabberwock, who guards the Red Queen’s empire. But when she arrives, she has no knowledge of this, or of Wonderland at all. She meets Tweedledee and Tweedledum and the Dormouse, the Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry), the Catepillar (Alan Rickman), and of course the March Hare (Noah Taylor) and the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp).

See, the good White Queen (Anne Hathaway), of who these were all loyal subjects, has been banished by the bad Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter). She is much larger than everyone else and surrounds herself in a court full of people with enormous lips, or noses, or ears, as well as the Knave of Hearts (Crispin Glover), her most trusted aide.

The story, of course, is of Alice trying to fulfill the omen and find the sword that can slay the Jabberwock to save the White Queen and bring her back into power. That’s really all there is to it in the rather slight screenplay. The story moves quickly, relying on the fact that we already know these characters, I suppose (a quick IMDB search shows about 20 different versions from the past 50 years, including the most famous, the Disney animated film), and also the fact that Tim Burton is likely to add his brand of crazy to it. It’s hard to know what that will look like, but I imagine Wonderland will look somewhere between the Chocolate Factory and his version of Gotham City, since his films are never short on art direction.

There’s also an odd love story that develops between Alice and the Hatter. I don’t know why this is necessary, maybe to juxtapose the love she doesn’t have in the real world, but it seems misplaced. Despite “Sexiest Man Alive” claims, Depp has never gone the romantic lead route. Especially lately, he plays dark, creepy, complicated men that aren’t interested in getting the girl at the end, so it’s an interesting way for the movie to go.

The other question mark is what will all of these characters look like? How much will be CGI? How much will be makeup? How much will be smoke and mirrors? Alice grows and shrinks and grows and shrinks. At one point, she rides inside the Mad Hatter’s hat. It will be interesting to see what Burton will do with all of that. Will it look ridiculous or cool? The motley crew of actors, especially Burton staple, Johnny Depp, will probably answer that question more than any effects. Will it be played dark or kooky? It’s hard to say. But then this week some pictures were released of the Mad Hatter, the Red Queen, and the White Queen. The pictures are super-creepy, and that gives me hope, but there’s really nothing in the script that gives me confidence that it will be a good movie one way or the other, but I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. Even if it’s as boring as the script reads, at least it will look cool. Burton always guarantees that at least.

I have strong fears about this project. Aside from Big Fish I haven't fully enjoyed a Burton film since the days of Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands. And for those who claim that Sweeney Todd was great, I invite those to see said play on stage and then compare. No match. I'm sure it will be weird and visually I may enjoy it but the story sounds awful.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

First, let me sum this up. There is nothing I could say or do to spoil this film. I would love to tell you everything that happens and leave you to go, 'Huh, well thanks for saving me the cash," but no. Action happens. That is the plot of this shit, and trust me it is shit. And I'm not one of those "the first one was so great" or "I'm walking in on this with high hopes." Wrong. I had little expectations for this and got them, stretched out over two and a half hours.
Shia goes off to college and tries to ditch everything cool about his life in hopes to become normal. If surviving the first movie got me Megan Fox as my girlfriend and giant fucking robots as best friends then why the fuck would I want to do anything else with my life. What career options is Shia possibly looking at? Does he want to become a Vet? In the next one maybe he'll temp for the summer at a very important law firm.
Meanwhile, the Decepticons come back and reek havoc, and now can transform into humans. Humans! If they have the power to look like anyone then it should of been over in 15 minutes instead of 2 and a half hours. The Ds want what is in Shias head so they take fucking forever trying to get it. Then Prime dies in the forest, which is 5 feet outside the industrial section of Philly. But he gets brought back because Shia believes in him. That's all it really comes down to is the whole clap your hands so he doesn't die crap.
The Fallen, which the title implies, tries to rise to blow up the sun using a weapon hidden inside a pyramid, but when O.P. comes back to life, stops him. And the Fallen is one guy, who is as old as time. When Transformers transformed into fucking dirt.
John Turturro's back for more money, which I don't blame him and there are racist robots now. Black gansta Autobots with gold teeth, that don't die even when eaten by the biggest robot there is. And nothing can shoot straight. And Megan Fox runs in slow motion. And I was bored half way in. And this movie fucked my eyeballs. And there will be a third. And a hangar in Washington D.C. opens up to California. And there are robot testicles. And I'm opening my veins now. And nothing can kill racist robots. And I suddenly want to buy Mountain Dew, and cars by GM. And this is the first film I know of to mention the President as being Obama, who does not support the Autobots. And my girlfriend wants me to take her. Action happens, movie spoiled.

Fanboys

Four geeky friends reunite over the love of Star Wars, pre the prequels. Dan Fogler has one nut, Chris Marquette has terminal cancer, Jay Baruchel is in love with a tween online, and Sam Huntington has been given the keys to his fathers Auto Dealership kingdom. They hit the road in search of the Skywalker Ranch in hopes to break in and steal Episode One. Their reason; Marquettes cancer won't let him live long enough to see it.
The journey is pock-marked with cameos by "nerds who've made it," and you'll care less and less seeing each one. The Star War Four have run-ins with Trekkies, find a gay biker bar, and recount each of their own failures. They eventually make it to the ranch and George Lucas, (via a phone call) heeds to their call like at the end of Vacation, but only lets the one with cancer see it. Afterwards he doesn't come screaming out in agony or with his eyes all a bloody. He just gives them a "you'll know when you see it" look. Kristen Bell in the meantime, hooks up with the unwitted Baruchel because she has always been in love with him. At the end, they await for the movie to start and one says to the other, "What if it sucks?"
Well this sucked and the prequels sucked. I'm sure their dead friend agonized from above as there was no one to argue with over whether Greedo shot first.

Head on over to IO9.com for their morning spoilers:

http://io9.com/5298773/what-villains-could-be-returning-for-star-trek-12-and-spider+man-4

The Brothers Bloom

Following the twists and turns of a con game can sometimes be difficult. Especially if you're looking for slip-ups and errors. But what happens when the con goes both ways and the best of inside men are left on the outside? That's what you should expect from The Brothers Bloom, Rian Johnson's followup to Brick.
Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo are said brothers; con-men who were once con-boys, who began their trade at an early age to distance themselves away from the status quo they often encountered from town to town. Only it seems that Bloom, (Brody) was never happy. He sulks and broods, wishing that for once it was real and not the written con they go through again and again. Tagging along since God knows when, their explosive expert, Bang Bang, (Rinko Kikuchi, given just a hair more dialogue than her role in Babel.). They settle for one last con and target Rachel Weisz, an heiress who collects hobbies. The con begins.
Now to spill every bean this can holds would be too lengthy for any one's interest. Instead, I will just simply state that everyone gets what it is that they want, which is the Brothers Bloom perfect con. Their game may not be the best played and falls short of any predictable con film but the ride is definitely worth it. The word play is fantastic, the locations wonderful, the humor is spot on and quick, and the fashion is in great taste. It may taste at times of Wes Anderson but the flavor is its own.